Skin Care Parody

What follows is a parody of the kind of health article published in a lesser quality English magazine or newspaper:

Skin care: Our medical correspondent corresponds

We must learn to look after our skin. Our skin should not be allowed in the sun or rain. No-one should scratch it, as it is sensitive to scratching. Generically speaking, our skin covers the whole body with a protective covering that covers our muscles and bones. In the spring, apply Tocopheryl Acetate, or Dimethiconol if you cannot find Tocopheryl Acetate. Start with your scalp, and slowly rub the Tocopheryl Acetate or Dimethiconol into the skin through the hair if you have any.

In Summer, before going bravely out into the sun (found in the southernmost parts of this island), rub some Cyclotetrasiloxane carefully into the foremost blades of your shoulders. You may find this protection will not protect the unprotected parts of your lower back. If so, rub some Polyglyceryl–10 Myristate on to your lower back, or, better, get someone else to do it for you. Soak some cotton wool with Butylene Glycol and move the pad slowly back and forth over the front of your shins. Then do the same, with a fresh wad of cotton wool, using Pentaerythrityl Tetraethylhexanoate if your local pharmacy has it, and if your local pharmacy does not have it, use Dipotassium Glycyrrhizate instead.

In Autumn, ensure your skin is creamed all over with Vinyl Isodecanoate including the ears and inside the nostrils. This will protect your skin against the Autumn.

In Winter, do not go outside your walls unless you feel the urge to shop at a commercial centre or visit your local pharmacy. Protection against the ills and potential dangers to your skin of living at home can be guaranteed by coating some Iodopropynyl Butylcarbomate on to the backs of your hands, and your belly. Should the latter be large, or larger, add some Cyclohexene Carboxaldehyde to the mixture. It is mixterious, but seems to work.

Always take care of your skin, which is made up of several layers, a few of which may be penetrated by air, wind, mist, or the sun, which can only be found in the southernmost parts of this island. Dr. Glycerine for the Glycerine Clinic