Separatism for all!

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Separatism for all!

I am becoming all fired up with enthusiasm for the Pandora’s Box of separatism. In Cataluña, Catalunya and Catalonia, Mr Arthur More y More says Cataluña etc. is a Nation, speaking its own language, and must therefore be free of Spanish shackles. In the Basque Country terrorists have been murdering people for years because someone told them assassination was the best way to achieve secession. In Scotland, Mr Alexander Scottish-Salmon is all for independence because of the 1997 devolution referendum, and because the bloody Sassenachs have bullied the Scots since the Romans, though the latter were not actually Sassenachs.

It does not really matter that if Cataluña etc., Scotland and the Basque Country were to secede from Spain and the United Kingdom, a physical border would have to be built on the new frontiers to control trade and commerce and movement of the people. I am sure something could be done. After all, independent East Germany and East Berlin had nice borderings for thirty years, with machine guns, barbed wire and checkpoint charlies.

While we are on about secession, may I make the following suggestions, based on the same kinds of wellthoughtout arguments as those repeated ad infinitum by the secessionists?

First, Britain: Scotland should secede from the UK, and at the same time The Orkneys, the Shetland Islands and the Hebrides from Scotland. These islands all have precious oil, and do not see why they should share it with Scotland. Wales should secede because she was a nation when the Scots were Picts and had not yet discovered the kilt – or for that matter – Scotland. The Isle of Wight must secede because it could be a tax haven like another island – that of Man, which will also secede. Cornwall should secede, because it has its own flag, history and not frightfully convinced but still viable nationalist movement. Norfolk should secede because its Duke is Roman Catholic and the English traditionally do not like Catholics.

Second, the United States: New Hampshire should secede because it is the only state where no income tax exists, and is therefore Different. All other states where capital punishment still hangs about should secede because Washington D.C does not kill criminals. Pittsburg should secede because it is German anyway. Philadelphia and Boston must secede because they are Irish, and have been financing Irish independence movements for a century. California must secede because it is one of the richest countries in the world anyway, and can well afford independence. Texas should secede because it has already done it, though failure was on the cards.

Third, China: Tibet must secede because it was stolen by the Chinese, has its own language and culture, and because all Tibetans would give a leg for independence from those dreadful old men. Shanghai will secede because it is like a nation state already, and was almost British for a lengthy period.

Fourth, France: Britanny and Normandy should secede because they used to be separate dukedoms with their own governments, and both have their own dialect or language, and because no true Breton or Norman would be seen dead in Paris under any circumstances but a good job. There exist good arguments for the Dordogne and Provence too.

Next, Italy: the Northern Provinces are spoiling for secession from that mad, attractive and historically sublime country for centuries. Sicily must be independent because it is an island and Sicilians are altogether different from Romans, Venetians, Florentines or the Genoese. Sicily also has a Cosa Nostra which could easily equal the IRA or ETA in matters of persuasion.

Next, Belgium; in a country where north and south speak quite different languages and call themselves ‘Flamingos’ or ‘Balloons’, why bother with secession? Just separate geographically, set up the usual border controls and get rid of the euro. Incidentally, talking about the lovely euro, what is the independence industry’s view on this? Can Independent Scotland stop using the pound and embrace the euro please? Then it would be more difficult for the British pound to be used so drastically by the Scots to finance their whims.

And then there is Russia: the Soviets lost all those istans with the fall of the Wall; why not arrange for the Crimea’s secession because its chief industry is western tourism? And Georgia’s because Georgians don’t have anything to do with Russians, unless they become President.

Germany: this is the easiest because Germany, like Italy, is a remarkably new country. Bavaria, Saxony, Westphalia, Prussia etc. were independent states when the British were busy building the London Underground. Form a Commonwealth of Teutons and have done with it. Besides, each German state still has a royal family, so the problem of who can be President doesn’t exist. Merkel can govern the lot with one held held behind her back.

The Falklands, Gibraltar, Ceuta, Melilla and Perejil should secede from everybody.

The question remains: is this fragmentation of Europe and the world really necessary? Or is the craze for independence/secession just another piece of progressive, expensive, idealistic, unrealistic, time-wasting, trouble-making, ball-breaking, impracticable merde?

By | 2012-02-07T18:30:56+00:00 February 7th, 2012|Humour, Philosophy, Today, World History|0 Comments

About the Author:

‘Dean Swift’ is a pen name: the author has been a soldier; he has worked in sales, TV, the making of films, as a teacher of English and history and a journalist. He is married with three grown-up children. They live in Spain.

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